If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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