Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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