Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
