Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
