I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
