Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
