I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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