I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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