we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We're too hungover to prance.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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