We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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