New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
