I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
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