I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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