I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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