i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
