Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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