Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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