Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
