Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize