Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
