Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
