I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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