i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
