hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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