1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
