I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize