Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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