Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
