Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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