I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
