I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
