saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
