New low: just hacked my moms facebook
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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