I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
