Do you still have your period?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
