At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
