New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
