Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
