I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize