I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
