I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize