I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
