so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Just pee around me
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
