Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
