I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
