And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
