Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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