do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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