If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
