I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
