Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Every concussion has its silver lining
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
