Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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