I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
