Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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