i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
this hospital has no fireball
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
