Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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