i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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