I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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