I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
