guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
this is an emotional support booty call
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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