That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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