Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
