would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
