He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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