At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
